I could look on my years (almost a decade) of severe depression and regret all the wasted time spent being unhappy but I don’t. Those times have helped shape who I have become. Yes I do wish they hadn’t happened, but they did and I accept them as part of my life and have moved on. It’s take a long time to get to that point though.
I could look back on my sexual assault at age 17 and say that I am a victim and play the victim card all my life. But years of non-stop counseling have led me to a point in my life where I can call myself a survivor and I truly feel like a survivor. What happened to me was not because of anything I did wrong, it was because another person who I happened to love made a bad decision to satisfy their needs without thinking of the effect it might have on the other person, I actually believed it was my fault for many, many years. But now I don’t and I rarely think about it anymore except every January, however it’s taken me almost 12 years to get to that point.
I could look back on my bipolar misdiagnosis and be angry at the psychiatrist who misdiagnosed me and blame her for years of my life that I don’t remember very well. But I’m not.
I could be upset that I required a second weight loss surgery because I had been misdiagnosed and couldn’t have gastric bypass the first time. But I’m not. All that I have been through have made me who I am. Those experiences shaped me. Because I have known great sadness I know what pure happiness feels like.
In 2010 at my heaviest weight of 418 pounds (the highest I’ve seen on a scale, but my surgeon’s office has 416) I had a 20″ neck and a 69″ waist. Three long rough years and two surgeries later (remember to check out the about section if you don’t know my story) I am down 102 pounds from 418 pounds and I have lost 4.5″ off my neck and 16.5″ off my waist. And more comes off with each passing month. I finally got of my plateau last week! My next follow up in two months from today so I think it is very likely that I will be weighing in under 300 pounds at that appointment, I’m getting close only need to lose 17 pounds to get there. That would be the first time in 10 years that my weight would start with the number 2! That will be a big meaningful day when it arrives.
I rarely talk about numbers here but I figured I’d share some today since numbers are a part of the weight loss surgery journey. But they aren’t the most important thing believe it or not, at least not to me. On the journey of mine I have learned about some many other important successes, like the fact I’ve completed four 5K races or I no longer require tons of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills to function. Or that I am successfully working a full time job for the first time in over two years. So remember on your journey to look at the other amazing things that you’ve accomplished not just numbers on the scale. They don’t determine your worth or make you who you are, they are just a small part of who you are.
Daily Inspirational Quote: “Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.” ~Robert Strauss
MY NEXT WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY SUPPORT CHAT IS TUESDAY, MAY 28 AT 7:00 PM (EST) AT HTTP://BARIATRIC.OLI.US
Just a short little rant about my best friend insomnia. Insomnia has long been something I have struggled with in my adult years. I can never seem to turn the thoughts off in my mind. I always seem to be thinking about something whether it is good or bad. And even if I got to bed and I am not really thinking about anything I seem to create thoughts in my head and stew about those things. I went to my primary care doctor last week because the medication for sleeping I was taking was getting close to running out and it had also stopped working. I was taking something called Remeron which is actually an anti-depressant but it can make your really tired so I would only take it when I needed it. Though it seemed like right after surgery I was needing to take it every night and then eventually taking it didn’t even work anymore. So last week at the doctor’s office he gave me another anti-depressant to take at night to make me sleepy and to help with my anxiety. I know I still have anxiety, I’ve had it as long as I can remember and probably always will. Now I’m taking Paxil, tomorrow will be a week on it and it doesn’t really seem to help with anything yet, but the pharmacy said it could be 2-3 weeks before I see any difference. We both agreed that I’m nowhere close to being depressed but that my nighttime anxiety needed to be tamed in hopes that my insomnia might get better. When I was over-medicated back between 2008-2011 I never had problems sleeping because I was so depressed I didn’t want to be awake and I was so exhausted from my 418 pound body and all the unnecessary medication. It seems like the more weight I lose the worse my insomnia gets. I do just wish for once that I could fall asleep easily without the aid of medication for once and to be able to fall asleep without thoughts racing through my head all the time. But I would rather having sleeping problems than to weigh 418 pounds again. You’ve got to take the bad with the good I suppose.
Do you have a problem that you’ve developed or had worsen since weight loss surgery?
Daily Inspirational Quote: “Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
My dad and I ran our most recent 5K run yesterday morning, this was his third run and my fourth. Below is a photo of my dad and I after we were finished. I finished in 49 minutes and 25 seconds, about the same as the run I did in April. That’s still 5 1/2 minutes faster than last year, I am also 50-some pounds lighter than last year, can’t wait to see what my times will be when I am 100 lbs lighter than I am right now. Running for me is about doing my best each time, it’s not a race with anyone else, just me trying to do as well or better than the me who ran last time.
We’ll be doing our next one and my fifth race on July 6! We’re taking June off since he’ll be out of town one week and we have my 30th birthday party coming up. Our next 5K (#5 for me!) is the Tree City 5K in Kent, Ohio which is my hometown and the race doesn’t begin until 7:00 pm so it was be something different than the normal 8:00 am races I’ve been doing. We also have our eye on a 5K happening in October if it works into our schedules. I love running these because it gives me a great sense of accomplishment. 100 pounds ago I could barely function. I’m still a big girl now at 318 lbs but keep my butt moving so that one day I can hit my surgeon’s goal of 230 lbs and I certainly won’t get to that goal sitting on my butt. If I can run these 5K and finish at my size I’m going to…and I do. They get easier and easier for me each time. I’m always the biggest person there but I really don’t care because I’m out there running for me and no one else. I do it for me.
Daily Inspirational Quote: ”Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” ~Norman Vincent Peale
I made a ”before and current” new side by side this afternoon, this time a did a front view shot to go with an old front view photo that I had of me at my heaviest back in 2010. I put them side by side and was shocked (in a good way) of what I saw. I saw a completely different person.
I’m a different person in so many ways. The person on the left was unhappy and had to force a smile in all her pictures and the person on the right is naturally happy (most of the time, lol!) The person on the left gave no thought or care about her future or what she did or put into her body, she figured she would just eat herself to death. The person on the right is planning for a future and tries her best to take care of her body by eating right and exercising. The person on the left coped with her emotions by binge eating. The person on the right tries to cope by writing, listening to music, or stringing beads. The person on the left was dull, flat, over-medicated and lifeless. The person on the right is full of life and tries to find the joy in everything.
Now that I am a different person, I wish I could go back to three years ago and talk to that person on the left and tell her that she did have a bright future ahead of her, I would tell her that it would be a long, rough road but that she would triumph through it and be more amazing that she had every been before. That she would be able to make her dreams come too. That she just needed to never give up, that she needed to keep going.
What would you tell your old self if you could?
Daily Inspirational Quote: “Once you have come to know how great you are, then your mind, heart and soul will not let you give up.” ~Shubhanshu Tiwari
Just post a short little post tonight, you might remember back in October of last year that I found a red tail hawk feather and what it meant and that I planned to get it as a tattoo (here’s the post: http://bariatricbeginnings.com/2012/10/18/i-had-earned-it/), well I finally did yesterday evening! I am so in love with it and my tattoo artist could not have done a better job! It’s a sore and red in the picture so the white is hard to see right now, but I’m make sure to share a picture after it’s healed. It took over 2 hours but oh so worth it to me. It’s on the bottom of my left forearm.
I also think my plateau (I haven’t lost in a month) is over! I was at my primary care doctor today and weighed today 4 lbs down from last week! It also brings me to 100 lbs total gone from my heaviest ever! Remember to read the about section if you don’t know my story.
I also am gearing up for my next (and 4th) 5K on Sunday! Hoping for a repeat of last time’s run back in April or better!
Daily Inspirational Quote: “My body is my journal, and my tattoos are my story.” ~Johnny Depp
Plateaus, they suck, but you can’t let them get you down! If we let every plateau we hit in our journey get us down we’d never get any farther in our journey. I’m at a plateau myself right now (nearing 4 months out from my bypass) but I’m not letting it get me down and I know it’s only temporary. A plateau just means it is time to shake things up to get things moving again.
What are someways you try to get off a plateau when you hit one? I’m going to try to increase my exercise by spicing up my exercise routine. I’m going to increase my water intake and protein intake to more than my minimum set by the nutritionist. And most of all I’m going to remember that this is a marathon not a spirit, I’m not in a race to with anyone else. This is my journey and I’m get there now matter how long it takes me.
Daily Inspirational Quote: “The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you’re willing to work.” ~Oprah Winfrey