I started this post yesterday, I was very aggravated and stopped writing it, so you’ll notice a tone change but I felt it best to leave it that way.
So this part is from yesterday.
“I don’t even know what to write, I shared a few days ago that I was possibly off my stall, but of course that is not the case. I am confused and aggravated more than I have ever been at this point. I was proud to announce that I had finally lost 6 pounds and just like that in the course of one single week it’s ALL back. The scale said I had gained all 6 of those pounds back in a single week. This is how the last two months of my journey have been up and down the same 5 pounds each week. I am truly aggravated. I am doing nothing different in the weeks that I lose than the weeks that I gain. They checked my pouch a month ago, everything looks good they tell me. I show them food logs and they say those look good and that I’m getting the right amount of calories and protein. I am doing some form of exercise every SINGLE day and three or four of the days are hard core work-outs with my personal trainer. I’m not sure what is going on. I’m not gaining and I’m not losing. I am going to see an endocrinologist on Monday. Maybe they can offer some advice. I am truly baffled and so was my personal trainer. She said I am on of her strongest clients. I am the perfect example of not to just a book by it’s cover. You can look at me and see a really fat women but I’m stronger and it better shape than you could possible imagine. Other people who weight in the 320 lb range can not accomplish what I can do. But the scale refuses to move.”
Today, I woke up less aggravated that I was yesterday. I went to the gym by myself since my parents are out of town. I accomplished something I had never done before. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical non-stop for the first time ever. I listened to one of my favorite bands, Shinedown (who I get to see in concert on Saturday!) on my phone and pushed through it, I wanted to stop but I didn’t. Because stopping doesn’t get you to your goals. Two hours later I am still very proud of myself right now. I know that I have to stay the course to reach my goals. As time passes I am realizing that my goal with this journey is not going to be a number on the scale. My goal is to be healthy which I am becoming more and more each day. With each day that passes I am becoming stronger and healthier. The scale isn’t moving. I might be losing inches, I don’t really know. I can see my body is the mirror changing and my body redistributing. I look at myself and see a different person than a few months ago but that crazy old scale says it’s the same number. I frankly am ready to just stop weighing for a month and keep working hard. I weight far less than most WLS people is seems but once a week has to stop if even for a month. My surgeon told me last month to just weigh once a month. His goal for me is to get under 300 right now and that’s mine too. I’m so close yet so far. I have 4 months before I see him for an appointment again. My journey has always been unique and it’s going to stay this way. I may be snubbed by some members of this community because I am still fat and will probably remain on the higher end. It’s easy for strangers to accuse us of no doing what we are suppose to. But I know that I am doing what I am suppose to and that maybe one day I will make it to a place that truly makes me happy on the scale. It’s frankly a matter of when, not if I make it but when.
I will remain positive and steadfast in my purist of my goals. The happier life is well on it’s way, the healthier life has some catching up to do, but it’s getting there.
Daily Inspirational Quote: “I am happy for who I am, and what I have come to be. I look forward to whatever else that may come with positivity.” ~Cornelius Kilgore