September 22, 2012
This morning I participated in my third Walk From Obesity. Like every year I had a great time with great people. As my stress seems to mount day after day I am reminded that I need to work on my anger and stress levels. Once again they are reaching very high levels and I am not comfortable with it. I have always been fascinated with Buddhism and I need to honestly get back in to learning about it so that I can try to practice that lifestyle. Organized religion is not for me. I like the ideals of Buddhism and the fact that it is more of a way of life than a religion.
I honestly can’t take the amount of worry, anger, and stress that are following through my body right now. People tell me to relax but that is easier said than done. I know worrying, stressing, and being angry don’t accomplish anything but when that’s the way you have always been it’s hard to stop. My goal for the next several weeks is try to mediate before bed and when I get upset. I also want to learn more about Buddhism. I also feel like stress levels will drop after Tuesday’s appointment and that I am okay to submit for a date. Other people tell me not to stress about Tuesday. But I am going to and telling me not to doesn’t help at all. It’s always easy for people who don’t have to deal with the stress and the pressure to say that I shouldn’t worry or that if I don’t make it this month that there is next month. I don’t want there to be a next month because to me that means another month of stressing about some stupid damn number on the scale. I want to meet my weight on Tuesday, submit, and then hopefully be approved and get a date. I want this second half of my journey started and this first half put behind me. The first half was hellish and I want to move on from it.
Daily Inspirational Quote: “Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.” ~Buddha
November 21, 2011
Today was a weird day with a good ending. Work was good, a bit boring today. After work I went to the endocrinologist. I really didn’t care for this doctor much. He was very young and very full of himself. He kept saying “I’m not saying you’re lying but what you are telling doesn’t add up.” He was implying that I was lying about what I eat and my amount of exercise. If I am really doing all this things I should be losing weight. He ran some tests anyway even though he said he doesn’t think anything is wrong. Which is fine, just don’t be an ass about it. I don’t understand why no one wants to believe me or take me seriously. I know I got myself into this mess and I am the only one who can get me out, but come on, when I am doing what I am suppose to be doing and it still isn’t really working doesn’t that at least warrant some consideration from a doctor that something could possibly be imbalanced? I guess that doctor miss the bedside manner lesson. After the appointment, I worked off the frustration of my appointment at the gym with my personal trainer. We had another good session and he thought my food log looked nice is it’s pretty binder and that I was eating the right things. I will have another session with him Wednesday and Patrick and I are going sometime tomorrow afternoon after my counseling appointment is over. After the gym, we came home and changed and went out to a comedy club nearby for a show with our favorite comedian, Mike Polk. We saw him a few months back and really think he is amazing. Now he are home and blogging before heading to bed for the night. I have gotten to the point where I can’t go to sleep without blogging. So even if it’s a short blog at least I know I blogged and got my thoughts written down for the day.
My trainer keeps reminding to stop thinking about my past and I keep telling myself that too. But it’s so hard to actually follow that advise. I even have as my background on both my phone and my laptop, my favorite saying….”Don’t Look Back, You’re Not Going That Way.” I guess I need to tattoo it on my forehead and stare at it 24/7 to get it in my damn head. The past is over and done with, but why can’t I be done with it? I feel like my past is going to haunt me forever, I’m sure people reading this don’t even know the whole story because I’ve never shared all the details of my assault with them. I just told they that he mistreated me. Maybe I need to share everything with them in order to add in the healing process. Thank goodness I have counseling tomorrow, I will need it.
Daily Inspirational Quote: “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.” ~Barbara De Angelis