Is Acceptance Possible?

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I guess my little rant reached people yesterday because I had the most views ever on my blog yesterday. So far I have not had any negative comments on my Facebook or ¬†blog today. To those out there who hate,¬†I am much healthier than before especially mentally. I may not be hundreds of pounds down and probably never will be. I am starting to come to the realization that I will never be under 200 lbs. My body just won’t be losing that much. I will be happy to get under 300 lbs. Lately, I feel like I am not going to get to an “acceptable” weight for society, it might be acceptable for me, but never for the world. I will always be the “fat girl.” I think people of size need to be accepted in this society, we are people too and not everyone becomes fat because they eat McDonalds 3 times a day. Who am I kidding, American will be never acceptable “fat people.” ¬†I gained hundreds of pounds to protect myself from being sexual harmed again. Luckily the love of my life looked past that and saw me for me. Most men aren’t like that, they want body not brains.

Sometimes I think that I should never have had the surgery since numbers wise I am a “failure” to others, but then I think about what it has done for me mentally. I have been battling depression and¬†anxiety for over a decade and no longer on tons of pills for it is a HUGE accomplishment. I am not longer anxious about going to work or life in general. I rarely suffer from anxiety anymore unless I am being obsessive¬†compulsive¬†about something and my depression is now¬†nonexistent.

Today Patrick and I got a new membership at a new gym nearby, I enjoyed my old gym but this new gym has an indoor track that I can train for the Couch to 5K now plus I got discount through my job. We are excited to start working out there and to my husband’s¬†excitement¬†there is an indoor pool there too. Maybe with the new gym membership I can get a few more pounds off. I think I have plateaued again. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow but I am choosing not to weigh in because I have not worked out lately and body acts like it doesn’t want to lose any weight unless I work out super hard at the gym for hours everyday and honestly that’s not very realistic for me. I will weigh in at the end of the month after getting back to the gym and go from there.

 

Daily Inspirational Quote:¬†“May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,and all your heart might desire.” ~Irish Blessing

 

My Next Goal

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Today was my last work day for the week. I am now on Christmas break until January 4. Work went good, but I seemed like I was on my feet more than usual. My feet are swollen now, they were so swollen that my shoes were tight, I am thankful to have them off now. I had my counseling appointment this afternoon. I am proud to announce that I met my Christmas goal weight that I was hoping for. I weighed in at 348 lbs today, officially 70 lbs gone forever!!! My goal is to lose 9 lbs by my 18 month follow up on January 5. That is only 2 weeks away so I know it might not happen but it would be nice to be in the 330s for my appointment. Regardless of what the weight says at the appointment I have been successful since my 1 year appointment. I have already lost 26 lbs since August (4 months). Which is half the amount that I lost in the first 12 months. I know I am doing it right now.

My next goal is to be able to do a 5K (3.1 miles) in April. I am going to start training with The Couch to 5K Training Program. It is suppose to get you 5K ready in just 10 weeks. I am giving myself until mid-April to training. I have¬†chosen a local 5K race that is taking place in April. It would be amazing for me to complete this race.¬†¬†At one of my support groups at the end of March I am going to get up and share my story. I know I am not at goal yet, but my story needs to be heard. I want pre-op people to know that this isn’t an easy journey and there are more than physical complications that can happen. I had a lot of emotional/mental complications after my surgery and I want people to be aware that it is a possibly that could happen. Weight loss¬†surgery¬†is not the easy way out or all smooth sailing, it is a very big event in your life and you honestly need to be fully prepared for it both physically and emotionally. I don’t regret my decision to have surgery, I just wish I had my head on straight when I had it done.

 

Daily Inspirational Quote:¬†“Goals are dreams with deadlines.” ~Diana Scharf Hunt

I Will Get There And Never Turn Back

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Boy am I glad today is over, work went quick but it was very busy the last few hours. 1 day down, 2 to go before going on winter break until January 4. After work Patrick and I met my parents and younger brother at the gym for a bit. Then I went and got my hair cut.

My new haircut and yes, that is a child's poster behind me. I bought it at a thrift store for my unborn children and it is hanging in my hallway as a motivator.

 

After I got my haircut, Patrick and I went to the craft store and got items to make my weight loss surgery journey scrapbook. I already have several pages completed. I want to get a lot done so that I can bring it to my counseling appointment on Wednesday to share. It is an on-going project and pages will be added over time, but I would like to have the first 20 pages done by Wednesday, I am about half way done with the 20 pages now. If their are any fellow scrapbookers out there, is there a place you like to order things from? I am looking for inspirational stickers and paper.

I was looking at some of the pictures I was using for my scrapbook this evening as was actually disgusted by how bad I just to look, not only did I look unhealthy, but I also looked so unhappy, especially in my “highest weight” picture from the¬†surgeon’s¬†office. I am not even smile. But why would I? I was 418 lbs and only 26 years old. It was not really anything to be proud of at that point. But one day in the future I will live a life that I am fully proud of. I am¬†certainly¬†proud of what I have accomplished these last few months, but I know there are prouder days ahead, a day when I am at an ideal weight, no matter how long the journey takes, I will get there. I don’t care if it takes me another 5 years, I will get there and never turn back.

 

Daily Inspirational Quote: ¬†“There’s nothing on earth than can hold me, down. I’m standing. Made up my mind. And I’ll never, never, never turn back now.” ~From the Song “Never Turn Back” by Ben Moody

 

 

“The Scale Tells You How Much You Weigh, Not How Much You’re Worth.”

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Sorry for the lack of a blog last night, I did not get home from my evening out until almost 11:30 last night, by that time I was very tired and still needed to take a bath. Yesterday evening, my brother’s girlfriend and I went to a glamour party for Mary Kay called Girl’s Night Out. We got to try products and learn proper ways to apply makeup. I got free hand cream and water proof¬†mascara. Her and I are actually going to have our own glamour party in a few weeks, should be fun. After the event was over, my brother’s girlfriend, her sister, Patrick, and I went out to get a bite to eat at Applebees. My brother is out of the country again so he wasn’t able to come with us. Work has been going fine. After work this afternoon, Patrick and I went to gym and worked out with my parents. We got back not too long along, for dinner we had a brown rice¬†Greek¬†style salad that Patrick made. Decided not to go to my big support group this evening because they are talking about plastic surgery which is something I don’t think I will ever have. It depends on how much loose skin I end up with when/if I reach my ideal weight. Tomorrow I have a relatively easy day, just going to work and then a counseling session with my therapist. Next week, I start yoga with my little support group and my sister will be joining me.

I will be weighting in tomorrow, I am a bit nervous that I haven’t lost or something because I haven’t taken the water pill every single day because some days I just had too much going on and it wasn’t going to be¬†convenient¬†to be always running to the bathroom. Also I have been having severe gas pains and bloating the past few days. I am just afraid the scale is not going to show any loss or worse a gain. But I have been eating well and exercise, so who knows. I really need to learn not to focus on the numbers on the scale so much.

Honestly the scale only tells you how much you weigh, not how much you’re worth. We as weight loss surgery patients and other people trying to lose weight do not need to become obsessed with the number on the scale¬†every time¬†we are on it. Through somehow we have let this “number” rule and ruin our whole lives. You and I are so much more that a number on the scale. We need to remember that we are so much more important than that.

 

Daily Inspirational Quote:¬†“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don‚Äôt need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest

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I got my new phone today, I like it, I did not like it arriving at 8:30 in the morning though. Glad I heard them knock, we were still sleeping. This afternoon we did our usual Saturday¬†routine¬†with my parents. I got a book and a pair of pants. We also went to the store and got some pork chops for dinner and some feta cheese and tomatoes. After dinner my brother and sister came over for a visit, they recently just left. Tomorrow will be busy, we are driving to Columbus for our nephew’s 1st birthday party and then back because we have to work on Monday. I am skipping my water pill for tomorrow, I don’t want to have to go to the bathroom the whole time we’re driving. Other than this Monday I will get to sleep with Patrick at night. His job is having him train on 3rd shift that night for some reason but then he’s off all day on Tuesday. Looking forward to the Walk From Obesity next Saturday, I am very happy that Patrick is able to go this year. My whole family plus my brother’s girlfriend are walking with us this year.

I ran across this quote and picture on one of my husband’s Facebook friend’s page.

 

I had to steal it because it really hit me. I have to remember not ever give up especially now because the beginning is going to be the hardest, it will slowly become easier and it will become a habit for you. Exercise may be a pain in the ass, but the longer you do it the easier it becomes for you. Getting up your comfort foods is hard especially for those with food addiction but it will eventually become second nature to eat healthier things and turn to other¬†activities¬†to comfort yourself. I’m not saying that the middle of the journey is a joyride but it definitely is easier than the beginning. That has been my experience. After surgery was the hardest time for me, even 6 months out it was very difficult. At about 13 months for me it became more second nature for me to do healthier things. Every day is a step closer to my goal and I have to remember that. If you don’t you can become easily side tracked and head back done the road of¬†destruction. On the 12th of October will be 15 months out for me. I hope to be down another 4 pounds by then. That would take me to 355 which is a number I haven’t seen in a long time. Maybe 8 years ago I was that. I was in the 380s on my wedding day so I am¬†extremely¬†happy to be smaller than that now. I have to remember these little victories every day so that I don’t get upset and give up. I think I would like to go to Las Vegas or somewhere like a beach to renew my wedding vows with my husband when I have reached my ideal weight. It would probably be around my 10th wedding¬†anniversary, which is still 5 years way, but that is plenty of time to reach my ideal weight. I really want to know what it feels like to be a beautiful bride and be sexy in the eyes of my husband. We will most likely have a 1-2 year old child by then and it would be nice to her him/her there with us. What do you want to do to celebrate your ideal weight?

 

Daily Inspirational Quote:¬†“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass…It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” ~Vivian Greene

 

How Do You Imagine Yourself?

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Today was much better than yesterday was. Work was relatively calm today. So glad tomorrow is Friday. After work I went to GNC to get some Isopure Protein Smoothies. They are Berry Pomegranate flavor. It was actually good, I would¬†recommend¬†it for anyone looking to add more protein. I also stopped and got some shrimp for our stir fry dinner for this evening, which we just ate and it was yummy. I have got about 60 grams of protein in so far today. That’s great for me. I had a personal training session this afternoon, it went good. I have another one tomorrow.

In last night’s blog I encouraged everyone to think to themselves or share how to imagine yourself at your ideal weight? I like to imagine myself running around in the backyard with my unborn children. Being able to chase them and fit down the slide with them. I also like to imagine myself as a successful counselor working with adults facing obesity and food addiction, as well as people preparing or who have had bariatric surgery. I imagine myself fitting in the seat of an airplane comfortably and not having to use the seat belt¬†extender and flying around the world to new places. I imagine myself ¬†free from the stigma of obesity and the harassment. I imagine myself being able to jog with a stroller in the park with my unborn children. I imagine myself being beautiful in the eyes of everyone not just my family and friends.

How do you imagine yourself?

Daily Inspirational Quote: ¬†‚ÄúWe are what we imagine ourselves to be.‚ÄĚ ~¬†Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Imagine…

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Today was the most crazy day I have had in a long time. Work was a little nuts, then I had a counseling appointment right afterwards. I am down another pound thankfully. Now at 359, I haven’t been in the 350s in a long time, it feels good. I made an appointment with the¬†dietitian¬†at the¬†Bariatric Center for next Thursday. I just want to go over my diet with her and find out better ways to get my protein in. My counselor doesn’t think it sounds like I am getting enough food or protein in. I have a hard time getting my protein in because I don’t eat much meat or care for too many dairy products, I will eat cheese but that it about it. I hate milk and protein shakes. I will make myself a protein smoothie with diet fruit juice when I have time too. I had one yesterday evening and will try to have one this evening. I have to take small steps in order to get my protein in since I hate it so much. Class was after my appointment, at least that wasn’t crazy. Had a lamb chop and Greek couscous salad for dinner that Patrick made, it was very yummy. I think tomorrow we will have a stir fry for dinner, I was just going to have a veggie stir fry but I probably should buy some meat or seafood to put in it (you know, for that added protein). Luckily, tomorrow all I have to do is work and go to my personal training session. I should be home by 4:30pm which will be nice for once. Friday I get to come home by 2pm! Patrick, my brother, his girlfriend, and I are planning on going to a haunted house and hayride Friday evening which should be nice. My brother is returning from¬†Portugal tomorrow evening where he was on business, so hopefully he is up for going, if not Patrick and I will still go, it’s my gift to Patrick for landing a new job. Sunday we are heading to Columbus for our nephew’s 1st birthday party.

Tonight I want to share a image that was shared on my Facebook Gastric Sleeve Support Group last night. I really liked it and wanted to pass it on. It gets you think about what life might be like at your ideal weight and how it would feel. Tonight as I lay in bed to go to sleep I am going to think about this. I will share my thoughts on this in tomorrow’s blog. What would it feel like for you to be at your ideal weight? I want you to think about this tonight too and please feel free to share with me.

 

 

Daily Inspirational Quote: “Before you can do something that you‚Äôve never done before, you have to imagine it‚Äôs possible.” ~Jean Shinoda Bolen ¬†